Musings from doubt

I've been listening to a few songs about doubt recently. It has been really helpful to hear other people process their doubts and fears - as helpful as it is to hear others proclaim their faith. But of course, these don't always hit the spot - they are someone else's lament, not mine. So I thought I would write my own. I apologise for the lack of poetry - I'm not a poet or a songwriter, so the words are what's important here. God, I wonder where you are. I wonder why you never speak to me, why others hear your voice but not me. I'm not looking for big answered prayers or miracles (although COVID to go away would be good, thanks) I just want to know that it is all true and that I'm going in the right direction. You say that one day you will say 'depart from me, I never knew you'. I wonder if you will say that to me. I can understand if you will; I won't be one of those protesting. I know about you, I know what you say, I know who you are You are l

 The title of my blog comes from where I am most of the time - in doubt. I wanted to write this blog to record when I have come out of the doubt and have seen light, or when I have managed to deal with the doubt in a constructive way. This illustrates some of the ways that I struggle. I was reading about Jesus walking on the water this morning. 25  Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. 26  When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear. 27  But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.” 28  “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.” 29  “Come,” he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30  But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!” 31  Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why di