Lament

I've been listening to a few songs about doubt recently. It has been really helpful to hear other people process their doubts and fears - as helpful as it is to hear others proclaim their faith.

But of course, these don't always hit the spot - they are someone else's lament, not mine. So I thought I would write my own. I apologise for the lack of poetry - I'm not a poet or a songwriter, so the words are what's important here.

God, I wonder where you are.
I wonder why you never speak to me, why others hear your voice but not me.
I'm not looking for big answered prayers or miracles (although COVID to go away would be good, thanks)
I just want to know that it is all true and that I'm going in the right direction.

You say that one day you will say 'depart from me, I never knew you'. I wonder if you will say that to me.
I can understand if you will; I won't be one of those protesting.
I know about you, I know what you say, I know who you are
You are like the Prime Minster, or the President - I know who they are, I know what they do and say is important, but they don't know me.
I wouldn't say I had a relationship with the Prime Minister. I'm not sure I have a relationship with you.

Or is it that I don't know what a relationship with you looks like?
I hear about this 'personal relationship with Jesus' but I don't kow how to get one.
I wonder what it feels like.
Does everyone else have something I have, and I'm in the dark?

Do I need to say the right words, and it will all fall into place?
I'll say anything you want.
Do I need to do something special? I don't know what it is.

I'm here, Lord. It's me, Jemima. Where are you?

And yet...

⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?
    Where can I flee from your presence?
⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
    if I settle on the far side of the sea,
¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
    your right hand will hold me fast.
¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
    and the light become night around me,”
¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
    for darkness is as light to you.
Psalm 139

I do not need to know where God is, he is everywhere. I cannot escape from him any more than I can escape from the air I breathe or the water I drink. He is always there. How much of my lament is the desire to control my relationship with Him and to pin it down? I wonder whether I need to trust that He is true and trustworthy and not place so much reliance on how I feel.

  But now, this is what the Lord says—
    he who created you, Jacob,
    he who formed you, Israel:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
    I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
Isaiah 43:1

He created me. He formed me. He redeemed me. I am His. I believe all this. I need to trust more that God will do what he says more than I feel it. What other people say about their relationship with God is not a sign that mine should be the same. I get caught up sometimes in comparing their relationship with God to mine, and it does not help or encourage me.

 I listened to 'Endless Hallelujah.
'I will see You as You are
Love You with unsinning heart'

One day I'm going to understand, one day I will see, one day I will know even as I am known.

It reminded me that despite the fear of not knowing God, I want to see His face.
I am looking forward to it, because there is something inside of me that longs to be with Him, calls out to Him, knows how wonderful He is.

'God has made us for himself and our hearts can find no rest until at last they find their rest in you'. I long for the rest that will come in knowing who He is, being in His presence.