Walking on the water

 The title of my blog comes from where I am most of the time - in doubt. I wanted to write this blog to record when I have come out of the doubt and have seen light, or when I have managed to deal with the doubt in a constructive way. This illustrates some of the ways that I struggle.

I was reading about Jesus walking on the water this morning.

²⁵ Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. ²⁶ When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear.
²⁷ But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”
²⁸ “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”
²⁹ “Come,” he said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. ³⁰ But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”
³¹ Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”
(Matthew 14, NIV)

I noticed how they initially did not recognise Jesus. This is exactly where I am on so many occasions. It needs other people to tell me where Jesus is changing me, and I spend a lot of my life afraid that I can't be a Christian because He isn't there in my life. Like them, even when I do see something, I might attribute it to anything else than who it really is.

Peter got out of the boat with what looks like enthusiasm. I do that too - a good experience will make me feel that I can never doubt again, and I can do anything. I will follow Jesus anywhere in that moment! 

But in the same way, I see the wind, I am afraid and I begin to sink. My faith just doesn't seem to have the substance to keep it up.

I would like to say that at that moment I call out 'Lord, save me', as Peter did - but  I do not, instead I dig deeper into the doubt and fear to try and work it out. I have yet to make this work successfully, I cling to my own logic and reason but they do not help. Sometimes it's just a light through the clouds that helps, without me doing anything.

I often read about Peter in the knowledge that he did walk on the water successfully and did get back in the boat. But in that moment he must have been terrified. Even if he could swim, would he have managed to get back into the boat? It must have been a real fear.

I feel that my fears are more scary than Peter's because I don't know what's going to happen. I can't see that everything will turn out right like it did for Peter on this occasion. Yet Peter didn't know either. And one day he would die (traditionally he was crucified in Rome) and that isn't exactly a happy ending. 

So - do I trust only when I know the outcome? Or do I cry out 'Lord, save me', and leave absolutely everything else to Him?