Doubt.

 Doubt...

I'm sure we all know what doubt is.We've all doubted to some extent, whether it's about the bus turning up on time or something deeper.

But if we are waiting for a bus, the doubt is going to be cleared up relatively soon. Other doubts may take a long time to be resolved, and may go away and then resurface over time.

I was thinking recently about my faith, and how sometimes it feels that bits of it come apart, rather like when you take apart a lego model. If you keep on taking apart a lego model, eventually all you have are the individual pieces, which don't mean anything on their own. You just send up with a heap of bricks. And I wonder if that's what will happen with my faith if I dig into my doubt - I will take it apart until there is nothing left. 

As I was mulling over this, feeling more that slightly panicky - would I end up not believing anything? What if I took it apart and God wasn't there anymore? I heard God say (don't ask me how I know this) saying 'You cannot deconstruct Me.' God is the Great I AM, the Alpha and Omega, the Almighty. I cannot take him apart. I also remembered this verses:

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
    Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
    if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
    your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
    and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
    for darkness is as light to you.

Psalm 139:7-12 (NIV)

Even if I feel that my faith disappears, I cannot escape from God. He will always be there, no matter how much I might feel lost. Even if I feel that I am in darkness, without faith, God does not cease to exist, I cannot make him disappear.

I can't say that I will feel good or better tomorrow - I might let go of my fragile hold on faith. But right now, God is here.

I found this song comforting - I hope you might too. 



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