I recorded this one night when I could not sleep - my thoughts on how I treat my relationship with God very formally, in a way which I would not with other people - such as my husband.
There was an ugly silence coming from the kitchen. I could tell that Martha was upset, she usually ends up there when she is. But this was different. Today was the Passover sabbath. We should have been celebrating- a day of rest, with family and friends. We had been expecting Jesus. But earlier in the week, it had all gone wrong. Lazarus had come in the house to tell us he’d heard Jesus had been arrested, and he was going to find out more. When he came back, I could see that something was wrong, but I never anticipated this. ‘He’s dead’. ‘How? Why?’ ‘Crucified.’ I couldn’t bear to ask Lazarus any more - his face was grey and his face was working horribly. He disappeared out again and we didn’t see him at all the next day. Crucifixion was terrible. None of us ever wanted to see it, but since the victims died along major roads, it was impossible to miss. I think that was the point. The worst thing was how long they took to die - I remember seeing one man on the wa...
'Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me.' Sometimes I imagine I am shouting like Bartimaeus. Absolutely yelling out to Jesus, above the crowd. But really I'm whispering. Why? Is it that I don't really want Him to hear? I don't believe that I need Him? Or maybe I don't think He will come. Or perhaps I'm afraid of what the crowd will think. Anyway, the end result is - He doesn't hear me. He walks on. The opportunity passes. He's gone. He was passing through - He has passed through. Will He come back again? Who knows. So here I am, still by the side of the road. Still blind. What happens next? What's the ending? Do I ever see? Will I ever meet Jesus? This feels uncomfortable - It's unresolved
'As for you, you were dead...' Bleak and harsh. Unequivocal. Unambiguous. Final. The death isn't even a good death - it's in transgressions and sins, in disobedience, in cravings of the flesh and desires. Deserving of wrath. Where is the way back from this? What hope can I find? Who can write a different story? But. God. Rich in mercy Great in love Kind Incomparably rich in love. He makes us alive Raises us up Seats us in heavenly realms. Making us His handiwork Prepares good work for us to do. So why do I feel so distant? Why does this not excite me?
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