Musings from doubt

I recorded this one night when I could not sleep - my thoughts on how I treat my relationship with God very formally, in a way which I would not with other people - such as my husband.  

The title is from a song written in the 1980s, so over 30 years old! This post is taken from what I heard in the devotional I listened to this morning on Lectio365 . The writer began with this quote from Nehemiah 1: Lord , the God of heaven, the great and awesome God, who keeps his covenant of love with those who love him and keep his commandments, 6  let your ear be attentive and your eyes open to hear the prayer your servant is praying before you day and night for your servants, the people of Israel. She goes on to say that she had a mentor who said 'Whatever you magnify gets bigger in your eyes. You can magnify your problem. Or you can magnify the Lord. Which will you choose?' Today I was feeling weighed down with a couple of issues. Not overwhelming in their own right, but each one felt heavy and they all together felt too much.  I took this prayer as mine today and prayed through it, thanking God that he is great and awsome, that he keeps his covenant. I asked him to hea...

I've been listening to a few songs about doubt recently. It has been really helpful to hear other people process their doubts and fears - as helpful as it is to hear others proclaim their faith. But of course, these don't always hit the spot - they are someone else's lament, not mine. So I thought I would write my own. I apologise for the lack of poetry - I'm not a poet or a songwriter, so the words are what's important here. God, I wonder where you are. I wonder why you never speak to me, why others hear your voice but not me. I'm not looking for big answered prayers or miracles (although COVID to go away would be good, thanks) I just want to know that it is all true and that I'm going in the right direction. You say that one day you will say 'depart from me, I never knew you'. I wonder if you will say that to me. I can understand if you will; I won't be one of those protesting. I know about you, I know what you say, I know who you are You are l...

 The title of my blog comes from where I am most of the time - in doubt. I wanted to write this blog to record when I have come out of the doubt and have seen light, or when I have managed to deal with the doubt in a constructive way. This illustrates some of the ways that I struggle. I was reading about Jesus walking on the water this morning. 25  Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. 26  When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear. 27  But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.” 28  “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.” 29  “Come,” he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30  But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!” 31  Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “...

I was asked to write something recently about worship for a video for church.  This is what I came up with: How do I worship God? The other day I was sitting outside reading and small bee landed on my page. It was so tiny that I could scarcely see its wings. Yet I knew that each of those wings were intricately perfect. Things like this cause me to worship because I see how amazing God is. O Lord, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth! I worship God when I acknowledge that God is greater than I am and that I need to submit to Him. I am not a morning person. When I wake up in the morning, I am not remotely with it. But as I put my feet on the floor, if I remember, I say ‘'Into Your hands I commit my spirit, for You have redeemed me, O Lord God of truth’. I say this because as I start the new day, I need God. I cannot do any of my life by myself. I am recognising that He is God and I am not, and I must follow Him, not the other way round. Worship is an attitude of mind,...

One of my friends said recently that she likes to pray through a psalm, using it to give her the words to say. I was trying this recently, and I found that it was easier to write it down, and in doing so, I could share it here: Father, let all the earth praise You. Let high mountains rise up to praise You; let the desert shimmer with the heat of praise. Let the crash of waters praise you; waves on the seashore and white waterfalls. Let the plants and trees praise You; let the tress wave their leaves. Let the tiny daises turn their faces towards you; let the weeds, nettles, bindweed, brambles fight to grow to your praise. Let the wind and rain praise You - the power of the gusts singing out your glory and the free gift of water dropping from the sky speaking Your grace. Let the birds sing your praises, from the wide-winged red kite to tiny fluffy blue tits. Let the animals praise You; badger, deer, squirrel, let them proclaim that You have made them. Let the insects praise You; butterfl...

I was reading Psalm 103 today in The Message version: He crowns you with love and mercy—a paradise crown.      He wraps you in goodness—beauty eternal.      He renews your youth—you’re always young in his presence. I was struck by the words in these verses about what God does for us - crowns us, wraps us, renews our youth. It reminds me of how what the beauty and fashion industry would seek to sell us - adornments, clothes, everlasting youth from beauty treatments. Yet these are things that God has given to us. It reminded me of Isaiah 61: The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,      because the Lord has anointed me      to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the broken-hearted,      to proclaim freedom for the captives      and release from darkness for the prisoners, [ a ] 2  to proclaim the year of the Lord ’s favour   ...