Musings from doubt

There was an ugly silence coming from the kitchen. I could tell that Martha was upset, she usually ends up there when she is. But this was different.  Today was the Passover sabbath. We should have been celebrating- a day of rest, with family and friends. We had been expecting Jesus.   But earlier in the week, it had all gone wrong. Lazarus had come in the house to tell us he’d heard Jesus had been arrested, and he was going to find out more. When he came back, I could see that something was wrong, but I never anticipated this.  ‘He’s dead’.  ‘How? Why?’ ‘Crucified.’ I couldn’t bear to ask Lazarus any more - his face was grey and his face was working horribly. He disappeared out again and we didn’t see him at all the next day. Crucifixion was terrible. None of us ever wanted to see it, but since the victims died along major roads, it was impossible to miss. I think that was the point. The worst thing was how long they took to die - I remember seeing one man on the wa...

  'As for you, you were dead...' Bleak and harsh. Unequivocal. Unambiguous. Final.   The death isn't even a good death - it's in transgressions and sins, in disobedience, in cravings of the flesh and desires. Deserving of wrath. Where is the way back from this? What hope can I find? Who can write a different story? But. God. Rich in mercy Great in love Kind Incomparably rich in love. He makes us alive Raises us up Seats us in heavenly realms. Making us His handiwork Prepares good work for us to do. So why do I feel so distant? Why does this not excite me?

  'Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me.' Sometimes I imagine I am shouting like Bartimaeus. Absolutely yelling out to Jesus, above the crowd. But really I'm whispering. Why? Is it that I don't really want Him to hear? I don't believe that I need Him? Or maybe I don't think He will come. Or perhaps I'm afraid of what the crowd will think. Anyway, the end result is - He doesn't hear me. He walks on. The opportunity passes. He's gone. He was passing through - He has passed through. Will He come back again? Who knows. So here I am, still by the side of the road. Still blind. What happens next? What's the ending? Do I ever see? Will I ever meet Jesus? This feels uncomfortable - It's unresolved

 I wouldn’t normally go out, but I’d heard that he was coming, and I just had to try. Even if it was pointless, you get kind of desperate and will try anything. Well, not anything - after a while not anything painful or expensive… So there was a big crowd following him, all talking at the top of their voices to him and to each other. People were buying things along the side of the road, running on ahead to talk to other people, throwing figs or skins of wine to each other. Basically it was a walking party. I realised that I could easily get close to him - so many people around and no one was really paying attention. So I slipped close. It was hard to walk at the right pace, I had to pretend to be listening and look like I was part of the group. He was wearing this long cloak that was billowing out behind him, and I saw my chance! If he could really heal, then all I needed to do was to touch the cloak and slip away through the crowd. No one would ever know except me. At my age, I’m ...

 Doubt... I'm sure we all know what doubt is.We've all doubted to some extent, whether it's about the bus turning up on time or something deeper. But if we are waiting for a bus, the doubt is going to be cleared up relatively soon. Other doubts may take a long time to be resolved, and may go away and then resurface over time. I was thinking recently about my faith, and how sometimes it feels that bits of it come apart, rather like when you take apart a lego model. If you keep on taking apart a lego model, eventually all you have are the individual pieces, which don't mean anything on their own. You just send up with a heap of bricks. And I wonder if that's what will happen with my faith if I dig into my doubt - I will take it apart until there is nothing left.  As I was mulling over this, feeling more that slightly panicky - would I end up not believing anything? What if I took it apart and God wasn't there anymore? I heard God say (don't ask me how I know t...

  When the people saw that Moses was so long in coming down from the mountain, they gathered around Aaron and said, “Come, make us gods who will go before us. As for this fellow Moses who brought us up out of Egypt, we don’t know what has happened to him.” Exodus 32:1, NIV When I have read this before, I have focussed most on the golden calf and what that says about my own idolatry. But what I noticed today was how the Israelites reacted.  Moses disappeared up the mountain for 40 days. I'm guessing he didn't tell anyone when he was coming down - did he know himself? So they had no idea how long to wait for, and eventually decided that he was a goner, and they should sort themselves out. I mean, I would have expected him to come down for dinner. Sound familiar? What they expected to happen did not happen. The person they expected to be there wasn't there. The experience they wanted didn't happen. They feel betrayed. I see myself in this story - right here, in the reactio...

I found chapter 6 of Dane Ortlund's book Gentle and Lowly really helpful when writing this post. 'All those the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never drive away.' John 6:37. I am maybe stretching the text here, but it feels here that the second part of the sentence is a free pass. Jesus says that 'whoever' comes will never be driven away. No matter what, Jesus has promised and therefore we are allowed to come. No matter what we bring with us, no matter how we feel that we don't bring what we should, he will never drive us away, or in another version, 'no wise cast out' (KJV). I often have a feeling of obligation - I feel that there are things I should be, things I should say, things I should do. I feel a weight of expectation. And I'm quite sure that I can't meet those expectations and obligations.  Sometimes I feel that new Christians have an easy ride - their sins are forgiven, and they are new and clean, ready ...