Musings from doubt

  Another version of those famous verses puts it like this:   “Look! I stand at the door and knock. If you hear my voice and open the door, I will come in, and we will share a meal together as friends.   When reading this recently, I imagined what might happen if Jesus turned up at my door as in this passage. I'd go to the door and open it and Jesus would be there. He says 'can I come in?' I look around and I see stuff all over the sofa. There are plates on the floor and the laundry is drying in the corner. The sink is full of plates and pans, and I'm sure I can see something growing on one of them. I am wearing pyjamas and I haven't showered. (I was tempted to say that I really wouldn't live like this, but if the inside of my head is like this, then I am!) I look at all this and hesitate, and say 'maybe another day, right now isn't a good time'. I close the door. I'd like to say it would happen differently, but in reality, I think that's h...

  I was at a meeting the other day and everyone was so jolly positive and upbeat. Which is really hard if you're not feeling either positive or upbeat. This morning I read this verse: Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying. (Romans 12:12, NLT) It made me think of a post on Facebook written for parents who are having to home-school again, telling them they don't have to do an amazing job. They just have to manage, just do enough. This verse gives me three things I have to do in this situation. 1) Rejoice in our confident hope. Jesus has got this. He is making all things new. One day ' He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.' (Revelation 21:4). One day He will take me home, and until then I will rejoice as I look forward to it. 2) Be patient in trouble. We are in trouble right now. It is really sucky and it might get worse. It will be a lon...

 I was thinking recently about Mary. “In the sixth month of Elizabeth’s pregnancy, God sent the angel Gabriel to Nazareth, a town in Galilee, to a virgin pledged to be married to a man named Joseph, a descendant of David. The virgin’s name was Mary. The angel went to her and said, ‘Greetings, you who are highly favoured! The Lord is with you.’ Mary was greatly troubled at his words and wondered what kind of greeting this might be. But the angel said to her, ‘Do not be afraid, Mary, you have found favour with God. You will conceive and give birth to a son, and you are to call him Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David, and he will reign over Jacob’s descendants for ever; his kingdom will never end.’ ‘How will this be,’ Mary asked the angel, ‘since I am a virgin?’ The angel answered, ‘The Holy Spirit will come on you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the holy one to be born w...

 I  had a friend who was going through a difficult time, and every time we met up, it seemed to be that she would end up crying, and I would end up handing over the tissues. Sometimes at the end of oour conversation, she would apologise for crying all the time and for being a rubbish friend. I would try and tell her this was ridiculous - that she was my friend, and sometime that's what you do with friends - listen to them cry and hand out tissues. I do not meet with my friend so she can entertain me, that's not what it is about. I wonder whether that's what I am like with God; I feel that I ought to come and perform for Him, say the right things, all tied up in a neat bow. But maybe He expects me to hang it all out before Him, warts and all - and he doesn't care that I'm a hot mess, He just wants to be with me.  This tied in to what I heard on Lectio 365 this morning.  Yes, because God ’s your refuge,      the High God your very own home, Evil ca...

I recorded this one night when I could not sleep - my thoughts on how I treat my relationship with God very formally, in a way which I would not with other people - such as my husband.  

The title is from a song written in the 1980s, so over 30 years old! This post is taken from what I heard in the devotional I listened to this morning on Lectio365 . The writer began with this quote from Nehemiah 1: Lord , the God of heaven, the great and awesome God, who keeps his covenant of love with those who love him and keep his commandments, 6  let your ear be attentive and your eyes open to hear the prayer your servant is praying before you day and night for your servants, the people of Israel. She goes on to say that she had a mentor who said 'Whatever you magnify gets bigger in your eyes. You can magnify your problem. Or you can magnify the Lord. Which will you choose?' Today I was feeling weighed down with a couple of issues. Not overwhelming in their own right, but each one felt heavy and they all together felt too much.  I took this prayer as mine today and prayed through it, thanking God that he is great and awsome, that he keeps his covenant. I asked him to hea...

I've been listening to a few songs about doubt recently. It has been really helpful to hear other people process their doubts and fears - as helpful as it is to hear others proclaim their faith. But of course, these don't always hit the spot - they are someone else's lament, not mine. So I thought I would write my own. I apologise for the lack of poetry - I'm not a poet or a songwriter, so the words are what's important here. God, I wonder where you are. I wonder why you never speak to me, why others hear your voice but not me. I'm not looking for big answered prayers or miracles (although COVID to go away would be good, thanks) I just want to know that it is all true and that I'm going in the right direction. You say that one day you will say 'depart from me, I never knew you'. I wonder if you will say that to me. I can understand if you will; I won't be one of those protesting. I know about you, I know what you say, I know who you are You are l...