Musings from doubt

 “As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, ‘Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!’ ‘Martha, Martha,’ the Lord answered, ‘you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed – or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.’” ‭‭Luke‬ ‭10:38-42‬ ‭NIVUK‬‬ I’ve often read this and found it felt condemnatory- Mary had done the right thing and she gets to sit there and take her time listening to Jesus, and Martha gets to run around like a headless chicken. I always imagined after this conversation that Mary stayed where she was, and Martha continued to serve.  But I wonder if it really happened that way. Maybe ...

 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. 1 Corinthians 13:12. The title reflects the translation in the KJV, which I know from my childhood. This comes to mind because living as we do in this pandemic, it seems that this is the same experience right here and now with friends, church and family. We are all online, we see people and talk to them, but we know it is not enough. There is something different about being in person which the enforced separation is making clear to us. I'm not really sure what exactly it is about being in person that I miss so much - of course, there are the hugs, but there are people that I don't think I would ever hug who I still miss in person.  It's helpful to experience this as it has made me realise that when I get to heaven, things are going to tbe different in a way that I cannot imagine here on earth. As meeting someone 'in rea...

  Another version of those famous verses puts it like this:   “Look! I stand at the door and knock. If you hear my voice and open the door, I will come in, and we will share a meal together as friends.   When reading this recently, I imagined what might happen if Jesus turned up at my door as in this passage. I'd go to the door and open it and Jesus would be there. He says 'can I come in?' I look around and I see stuff all over the sofa. There are plates on the floor and the laundry is drying in the corner. The sink is full of plates and pans, and I'm sure I can see something growing on one of them. I am wearing pyjamas and I haven't showered. (I was tempted to say that I really wouldn't live like this, but if the inside of my head is like this, then I am!) I look at all this and hesitate, and say 'maybe another day, right now isn't a good time'. I close the door. I'd like to say it would happen differently, but in reality, I think that's h...

  I was at a meeting the other day and everyone was so jolly positive and upbeat. Which is really hard if you're not feeling either positive or upbeat. This morning I read this verse: Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying. (Romans 12:12, NLT) It made me think of a post on Facebook written for parents who are having to home-school again, telling them they don't have to do an amazing job. They just have to manage, just do enough. This verse gives me three things I have to do in this situation. 1) Rejoice in our confident hope. Jesus has got this. He is making all things new. One day ' He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.' (Revelation 21:4). One day He will take me home, and until then I will rejoice as I look forward to it. 2) Be patient in trouble. We are in trouble right now. It is really sucky and it might get worse. It will be a lon...

 I was thinking recently about Mary. “In the sixth month of Elizabeth’s pregnancy, God sent the angel Gabriel to Nazareth, a town in Galilee, to a virgin pledged to be married to a man named Joseph, a descendant of David. The virgin’s name was Mary. The angel went to her and said, ‘Greetings, you who are highly favoured! The Lord is with you.’ Mary was greatly troubled at his words and wondered what kind of greeting this might be. But the angel said to her, ‘Do not be afraid, Mary, you have found favour with God. You will conceive and give birth to a son, and you are to call him Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David, and he will reign over Jacob’s descendants for ever; his kingdom will never end.’ ‘How will this be,’ Mary asked the angel, ‘since I am a virgin?’ The angel answered, ‘The Holy Spirit will come on you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the holy one to be born w...

 I  had a friend who was going through a difficult time, and every time we met up, it seemed to be that she would end up crying, and I would end up handing over the tissues. Sometimes at the end of oour conversation, she would apologise for crying all the time and for being a rubbish friend. I would try and tell her this was ridiculous - that she was my friend, and sometime that's what you do with friends - listen to them cry and hand out tissues. I do not meet with my friend so she can entertain me, that's not what it is about. I wonder whether that's what I am like with God; I feel that I ought to come and perform for Him, say the right things, all tied up in a neat bow. But maybe He expects me to hang it all out before Him, warts and all - and he doesn't care that I'm a hot mess, He just wants to be with me.  This tied in to what I heard on Lectio 365 this morning.  Yes, because God ’s your refuge,      the High God your very own home, Evil ca...

I recorded this one night when I could not sleep - my thoughts on how I treat my relationship with God very formally, in a way which I would not with other people - such as my husband.